Creating boundaries can be about opening up!

Creating boundaries can be about opening up!

I have written quite extensively about relationships in partnerships and marriage and so I felt I simply can’t ignore one of the most significant factors that can engender a healthy, long-lasting relationship – and that is setting boundaries. 

Wikipedia defines personal boundaries as, “The practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated.” One observer explains it a bit more simply as ‘’relationship boundaries control how partners are treated in the relationship and ensure that their mental health is protected.’’

Why do we need to have boundaries?

A few good reasons for setting up boundaries are: you prioritise yourselves and learn to say no to what doesn’t work for you without guilt feelings; they enable you to maintain a balance of respect for each other’s personal lives; you feel that your relationship is a safe space to open up and be yourself – and you each maintain higher self-esteem knowing that you are as important as each other.

Unfortunately for many couples the setting up and respecting of boundaries is difficult as they were simply not set or practised within their own home environment. It is hard to understand a partner who needs boundaries if you are not someone who feels that you do and so you may remain closed to the idea. Ironically, therefore, sometimes creating boundaries can be about opening up!

Being too nice 

One needs to be careful about thinking that respect and boundaries come from giving your partner their own way entirely though. There needs to be a balance. An example of this is that certain people tend to just be too nice, always considering the other to the point of losing their own identity. 

This is a dangerous path and often leads to addiction and unfaithfulness if the partner takes advantage of it. Remember that giving somebody ‘’their space’ does not mean being so nice that you begin to lose self-esteem and compromise your own boundaries. When love and kindness are shown, a breakdown comes if these are not gracefully received!

Give and take gracefully 

As with solving most issues in relationships the path of ‘give and take’ is usually the best one to follow, but a part of establishing boundaries correctly is giving for the right reasons and having the ability to receive gracefully.

As a facilitator of a few practices that deal with human relationships I have found even some of the most hardened hearts find it difficult to receive gracefully and gratefully if their partner gives from a place of love and without expecting anything in return, but it often still requires the ‘opening up’ of the couple to create a relationship that intertwines boundaries and intimacy. 

The Opener (Release) Card 

In Life Alignment (See the previous article) we work with ‘’the understanding that some family characteristics and beliefs are likely to be passed on from one generation to the next and beyond. The reasons may be due to genetics, similar ways of living, parenting styles, coping strategies, etc.’’

We use vortex cards to achieve much of this and the ‘Opener card’ when used on the body, helps to transform the potential negative belief systems that come from family and ancestral patterns. When used externally (hung or placed in a prominent position) it assists with the clearing process of old family patterns of the occupants.

Don’t hesitate to talk to me if you feel your relationship may be affected by a lack of boundaries or if they are being abused by simply not understanding that sometimes creating boundaries can be about opening up!

 

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

At the outset let me say there are no ‘quick fixes’ for the kind of trauma and despair that can be a result of a partner’s infidelity. This article is about trying to have a basic understanding of why people may cheat on their partners and then a few types of treatments that you may find helpful in your journey to reconciliation and peace either as a couple again – or at least within yourself. So how to heal hearts wounded by infidelity? – let’s take a look at a few possible solutions…

Understanding why your partner (or both of you) cheat

It is very important that before immediately reacting to an act of infidelity we accept that we may have had some hand in its cause and at least try to understand why it happened. I have read several great articles on this and one that particularly caught my eye was one that gave 5 simple reasons that may explain the motivations of cheaters. It was from ‘Modern Intimacy’ which can be found on the web and this is just a summary…

  1. Anger and revenge – When one of the partners feels slighted by the other and out of anger decides to take revenge. This is, sadly, more common than most couples realise and the ‘cycle of revenge’’ needs to be broken.
  2. Insecurity – low self-esteem is a common reason for cheating, when one partner feels invisible or unloved – or simply down on themselves.
  3. Sexual inattention – Also a common problem, especially following pregnancy or childbearing when one partner feels unloved and craves reassurance through sexual intimacy. 
  4. Sexy secrets – As old as the beginning of time, sometimes forbidden fruit is just too much of a temptation – especially if it invokes a Man’s feelings of manhood or a woman’s need for rekindled romance and real intimacy.
  5. Boredom – I quote the article when I say ‘’Often fuelled by shame, anger or fear, boredom that transitions into cheating is typically coupled with inadequate communication in a relationship.’’ I have left this to last because it leads us to one of the best ways to deal with infidelity and that is through…

Communication as a couple

With the assistance of a qualified therapist, communication as a couple on the important issues of why the incident (or re-occurring incidents) happened, what the nature of the incident was, and with whom it occurred (It can also be cheating with pornography or via prostitution etc.) can all assist in beginning a process of healing and reconciliation.

Trauma therapy

With my own experience as a trauma counsellor and TRE facilitator, I have learned that infidelity most certainly can lead to enormous trauma. One of the worst traumas we can experience is that of betrayal. It is belittling and demeaning, making one feel insecure and inadequate and when these kinds of feelings are a result of any type of event or incident, then this is without a doubt a traumatic experience. If you have already reached a point of no return but just need to heal, this is important therapy.

Life alignment and the ‘Heart’ card

For those who have been reading my articles on ‘Life alignment’ – you will understand that certain vortex cards are used and the heart card can be used both for personal well being when worn on the body as a chakra or energy centre, and in your external environment as a home alignment card physically placed in a strategic part of a room.

When use as either or both of these, the physical heart is opened to love and feelings of forgiveness, trust and optimism. and the balance of masculine and feminine energies are restored to the home. If it sounds far fetched it is based on sound scientific principles espoused by Dr Albert Einstein, so as the old saying goes ‘’don’t knock it until you try it!’’

I am Marléne Nunes and my life’s work, as a victim once myself, is to help those who suffer traumas of any kind. Talk to me about life alignment and any of the other therapies suggested here to assist you and your loved one with how to heal hearts wounded by infidelity.

As always – peace and light!

 

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

In my last article, I spoke extensively on co-dependency which is invariably generated from one partner in a relationship having an addiction problem. Addiction always has a cause and it is commonly from earlier bad experiences or trauma that lead to what we call primal wounding. It can also be generated as a defence mechanism against feelings of little self-worth – or as some observers put it – ‘Non-being.’ Feeling lonely, frustrated, isolated, impotent, fearful and shameful, as well as losing trust in someone or a feeling of not being trusted can all lead to depleted self-worth.

Probably the most significant of these causes is trust, as losing trust in loved ones, friends and one’s own abilities can have devastating effects on our emotional approach to life and others in the years to follow. Lack of trust is debilitating and often robs us of belief in ourselves and our fellow man to the point of making life feel pointless and having little or no purpose. Simply put – your primal wounding could be a matter of trust!

Life alignment can assist 

I have also written extensively on ‘life alignment’ in its many forms, a way that we can rebuild every aspect of our lives through believing in ourselves and others once again. In my article ’Life alignment – what it is and is it for me?’ I explain the purpose of life alignment which, in essence, is that within our inner being is a higher intelligence that, when accessed, can lead us back through the maze of past experiences and cellular imprints to a clearer understanding of our true gifts and talents and how we can better serve the world. With an understanding of this, we can achieve a life of purpose and meaning and truly achieve all those feelings of love, joy and the ability to forgive.

Vortex cards 

Part of the practice of life alignment is the use of vortex cards. Simply put vortex cards, when displayed, are used for personal well-being and general healing of internal and external energy movements. Dr Albert Einstein, a man who saw well into the future of what seemed incomprehensive to mankind in his time said, “Future medicine will be the medicine of frequencies.” 

As one observer puts it, ‘’Albert Einstein stated that everything we see, feel and touch is solely made out of energy particles. There is only energy and Einstein calls the sum of these particles the field, which we create and influence with everything we think, say, feel and do. Vortex technology functions according to this principle and works energetically on the human body. In other words, as we help shift energy on a causal level it filters down to the physical level.’’

 The trust card

One of the most significant vortex cards (and one that can relieve us from many primal wounds including addiction) is the trust card which helps to strengthen the experience of trust in oneself, in life and in the universe. From an internal perspective, working with this card and a qualified life alignment practitioner on issues of vulnerability, you can gain a sense of personal well-being, inner security, self-confidence, and most importantly, trust in yourself and others.

When utilised externally, like being placed on the main door, the card works on the energy field of the related space (as described by Einstein) and this supports the creation of a sense of feeling protected in that area. In essence, your home becomes your refuge through the positive shift of this energy. Now you feel a greater sense of safety and renewed trust in your surroundings and those around you.

Trust in me

Within the scope of my business Self and More, I am a qualified practitioner of ‘life alignment’ and the use of vortex cards, amongst other disciplines that serve the body, mind and soul. If you feel that you have been wounded in any way through past issues or trauma please don’t hesitate to talk to me and let’s find out if I can assist you to heal these wounds and begin to live a richer life filled with meaning and purpose.

Enjoy your holidays and do travel safely. As always, go with light and love.

 

Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency!

Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency!

Co-dependency is a very real issue often affecting many couples who may not even be aware of it. It is an addiction in itself, ironically often resulting from one person in the relationship (who we shall refer to as the ‘caregiver’) taking responsibility and caring for the other who is addicted to some sort of abusive substance.

It is far more common than many couples realise and this article aims to hopefully make those who may be in this type of relationship, or heading down this path, aware so that treatment can be sought. It is far too easy to settle into this type of relationship, but it is a toxic one and not psychologically healthy for either party.

It takes 2 to tangle!

Co-dependency comes about through both parties in the relationship having unhealthy issues and the co-dependency seems to be the easiest quick-fix giving both parties the satisfaction of continuing along their detrimental path because the addict is being supported by the caregiver, but the caregivers themselves have issues that lead to this.

The only way that an addiction can be effectively dealt with is for the addict to realise that they need and subsequently seek help to stop their substance abuse. This should be encouraged by their partner but if the caregiver has poor self-esteem or a poor self-image they prefer to be supportive of the addict as it helps them to feel that they are needed!

The old adage of the blind leading the blind is very true of this situation as both parties are blinded to the fact that they need help because the addict is being re-assured by the caregiver and the caregiver feels that they are serving some sort of noble purpose. 

The many issues that arise from co-dependency include a lack of boundaries, constantly increased dependency and poor communication. In the end, nobody wins in such a relationship and it will eventually break down.

What can you do about it?

I am Marléne Nunes and through my business Self and More, have various ways that I can assist couples who have realised that they have co-dependency and other issues. I am not only a qualified Life Coach utilising highly effective techniques like Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Tension and Trauma Release Exercise (TRE), but as my more recent articles have illustrated, I am also a qualified practitioner in Life Alignment and more specifically Relationship Alignment.

It is through these techniques that I can assist you to identify and gain a broader insight into habitual responses, and as a result, break free from repetitive patterns to step forward into a more integrated, meaningful and purposeful life path.

When you are enlightened to the many ways you can use the great gifts and talents you have to better serve the world and yourself, you can break free from destructive dependencies. Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency – talk to me – I can help.

 

Will your romance become a relationship for life?

Will your romance become a relationship for life?

February, the month of romance, is a wonderful time of year when our thoughts turn to love and romantic liaisons. For some, it is a chance to commemorate and demonstrate our love for one another, but for many, especially the young, it can be an opportunity to turn a romance into something more – a long term relationship.

Relationships can be complicated

Unfortunately, relationships are never quite as easy as those heady days of gazing into each other’s eyes and exploring each other’s charms for the first time. We often only find out once we have gotten past the early stages of romance that we are, in many ways, the product of our past and the influence of others on our lives.

As one observer put it ‘’Often unfinished lessons with Parents are reflected in relationships so that we can break destructive patterns – “you marry your Father”. So we end up in the same type of relationships over and over until we shift that pattern.”

Sometimes we are attracted by what we have in common, then it transpires that it is like rubbing metal on metal and we would have been better off attracting someone of opposite talents and aspirations. Relationships can bring out the best and the worst in us, always expecting the other to be perfect but not seeing our own imperfections.

So, with all its complications, how do we try to ensure that your romance will become a relationship for life? You can achieve this through some simple rules and by aligning your relationships holistically with your entire life’s purpose.

Life alignment 

I practice a highly effective form of aligning the individual with the best possible life that they can aspire to attain. In my article ’Life alignment – what it is and is it for me?’ I explain the purpose of life alignment. 

It is a good idea to read this, but in essence, I say “within our inner being is a higher intelligence that, when accessed, can lead us back through the maze of past experiences and cellular imprints to a clearer understanding of our true gifts and talents and how we can better serve the world. With an understanding of this, we can achieve a life of purpose and meaning and truly achieve all those feelings of love, joy and the ability to forgive.’’

Relationship alignment 

As you can see, aligning relationships, therefore, would be an integral part of this and within the scope of my life alignment programs, I have helped many people to rekindle and repurpose their relationships to become more meaningful and long-lasting.

Like most aspects of human endeavour there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer for rebuilding relationships, we are all too different, but in the resolving of relationship conflicts, these are a few safety measures that I highly recommend. 

  • Confidentiality is sacrosanct – never share what was discussed or use it against each other later – even in anger.
  • Absolute respect for each other’s opinion and privacy is vital. 
  • No ridiculing or joking should be allowed 
  • There should be no raising of voices 

Let me help

If you are embarking on a new relationship or having relationship issues, don’t hesitate to talk to me. My business, Self and More facilitates not only the Life alignment program but all aspects of physical, mental and emotional health – i.e. body, mind and soul. Let me help you and your loved one to ensure that your romance becomes a relationship for life!

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