We’ve all seen television shows, especially the older ones, where the bully was the bigger kid in the striped t-shirt who would use their size to intimidate the smaller kid, usually the hero of the show.

Most of the time this would be stereotypically for lunch money, or to force the smaller kid to do some homework for him. We would laugh at the antics of the bully and sorta-kinda sympathise with the bullied kid, but not really. After all, we thought, this is easily solved by a punch on the nose and why-oh-why does the bullied kid not just ‘man up’ and give the bully some of what he deserves?

Maybe that was the reality of it then. While this does happen in today’s society, this is not even the most common type any longer.

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines bullying as “to treat abusively” or “to affect by means of force and coercion”. That is all very good and well, but often times the bullied person doesn’t even realise there is abuse, force or coercion because it happens over such a long time, and sometimes in such subtle ways, that it becomes commonplace and, the bullied person believes, it is not really “abuse” at all.

Bullying takes many different forms. Physical bullying is the kind we most associate with, again thanks to television shows, and involves the bully pushing, hitting or even spitting on another person. It does not even have to involve actual physical violence but may include the very threat of violence. Mental bullying would include telling lies about another, or telling them that they are stupid or worthless, and making fun of them in front of others. There is even bullying within relationships, where it is often about controlling the other person. Some bullies use silent treatment as a way of coercing or punishing another, refusing to talk to them until they comply. And, of course, there is workplace bullying, where one person may keep another from advancement, or forcing another to quit through bullying tactics. You need only pick up a paper or browse a website to see the amount and the level of sexual harassment in the workplace today as well.

In fact, the sheer amounts of types of bullying are so vast that we could fill volumes. Perhaps then, it is much easier if we ask a simple question, irrespective of the type of bullying: how would I know if I am being bullied? Seeing as it may happen over time and become seemingly normal, are there signs that I should look out for in myself and in those I love and care for?

Most parents can tell when something is wrong with their child; an honour student suddenly or gradually gets worse. There may be sudden outbursts over seemingly minor things. Yes, these can be signs. But consider the following as well:

• Unexplained injuries;
• Lost or damaged items;
• Feeling sick often;
• Difficulty sleeping;
• Trouble in school or at work;
• Changes in eating habits;
• Self-destructive behaviour;
• Withdrawing from family and friends; and
• Low self-esteem.

Yes, bullying is an ever-growing problem. With the right tools, however, it can start decreasing. If this is a subject which holds particular importance or significance for you, if you feel that either yourself or a loved one is being bullied, or if you believe that a loved one is being the bully, then I encourage you to join me on Saturday the 11^th of November at 42 On Sonneblom Deli at 10h00, were I will be delivering a talk on “Bullying: Be The Change”. In addition, we shall also hear from Seugnet Nelson from Heyns and Partners, and from Jessica Morton, a Grade 7 pupil at Eversdal.

And then watch this space as well, as we unpack this subject via this newsletter (and my blog) in the coming weeks, looking at the triggers of bullying, who is likely to bully and what can be done to help both the bullied and the bully.

Kindest regards,
Marléne

Why do we react irrationally sometimes?
Someone might say something which triggers an emotional reaction and you completely overreact, then later wonder why.

It’s all down to triggers. What are triggers?
Well, lets take a step back and talk about pattern matching first. Pattern Matching is one of the reasons we are so successful as a species, it’s the ability to instantly assess something we haven’t come across before and decide on a response or course of action.

It’s like playing a very complex game of ‘snap’ in our head constantly and the cards in our pack are added to constantly as we grow up and learn.

The pack of snap cards includes information from all our senses, hearing, smell, sight, touch and is stored in the hippocampus (memory centre) in our limbic system or primitive brain, which is also the emotional centre of our brain.

For example:

You come out of your house and there is something in the street – it’s moving in your direction, has 4 legs, it’s bigger than you, it has fur and big teeth and is drooling, it smells unpleasant and is making a noise. You’ve never seen anything like it before – but what do you do?

I would probably run away. I’m pretty sure I’ve got snap cards in my head that add up to dangerous. (It might have decided that at 4 legs and bigger than me stage!) But my imagination would have filled in the gaps and decided that something I had seen in the past which matched some of the criteria was dangerous, therefore this is going to be dangerous too. It might not be, but I’m not going to hang around to find out because it’s an unpleasant or dangerous match.

Are boundaries fake walls, separation or division? Consider rather: “here’s what’s okay for me and here’s what’s not.”

Some of the most compassionate or empathetic people you will meet, are also very clear about the boundaries in their relationships with others.

You can think of this as a contract between two entities: “what is okay and what is not okay.”

This all sounds very simple and we all nod our heads when we hear these statements – easier said than done perhaps? Some of us (me included at times) are uncomfortable with setting boundaries. We tend to care a lot about what people think, about whether we are disappointing someone. We want people to like us…boundaries are, therefore, often absent.

Why then, are these so key, so important and so necessary in our day-to-day lives and, indeed, for our own growth?

Watch here as Brené Brown, an American scholar, author and public speaker, takes on this very subject.

Kindest regards,

Marléne.

“Boundaries are not fake walls. They’re not separation. Boundaries are not division; they’re respect. They’re “here’s what’s okay for me and here’s what’s not.”

Some of the most compassionate people you will ever met are also the most boundaried. And boundaries, as has been said above, is “what is okay and what is not okay.”

This all sounds very simple and we all nod our heads when we hear these statements but boundaries are not easy, are they? We are not, usually, comfortable with setting boundaries. We tend to care a lot about what people think, we don’t want to disappoint anyone, we want people to like us…so, no, boundaries are not easy.

Why then, are these so key, so important and so necessary in our day-to-day lives and, indeed, for our own growth?

If you would like to know more about how you can apply boundaries to your own life and how these will shape your own ideas in terms of compassion and empathy, then do join me on Friday 7 April at 13h00 for a lunch time chat, where I will go into why you should be thinking about the boundaries you have or have not set in place, and how you go about doing so.

Simply let me know if you will be attending or if you require further information, or go directly to the Facebook event page here.

Unlock The Power of Boundaries, now.

Kindest regards,

Marléne

Hello everyone, Benjamin Franklin has always mistakenly been attributed with the following quote: “but in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.” Granted, he did write those words in a letter to a friend, Jean-Baptiste Leroy, in 1798. The real origin, however, goes back to Christopher Bullocks’ 1716 book, The Cobbler of Preston, wherein he writes: “‘Tis impossible to be sure of anything but Death and Taxes.” Whatever the origins, it rings true to an extent. Other things may be said to be equally certain: inserting a flashdrive incorrectly the first time and having to flip it around, for example, or spotting an empty parking space only to find it occupied by a really short car that was not visible from 2 metres out. And so too, alas, are increases in prices. What is certain and true for everybody is that prices go up. Whether you are looking at a shopping list or you are a company watching your expenses, things go up. And so it is with me. Here then are my prices for 2017:

Pilates and Callanetics – Private classes: R160 for a 1 hour session. – Group sessions, held twice a week, are R80 per session. – Casual group attendance is R100 per session. Group TRE® – 2-hour introduction session is R150 per person. – Group sessions, held every 2 weeks, for R150 per person. – Closed groups for corporates and businesses, families or sports groups at R250 per person. Sports massage – R250 for a 1 hour session. Help to maintain the body’s condition and prevent injury. Perhaps more than a spoil, it is a good habit to adopt.

Kindest regards,

Marléne