Divorce – the ABC of handling the big D!

by Self and More | Dec 15, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

A divorce can be an extremely difficult process for any couple or family. Regardless of whether children are involved or not there are legal, financial and emotional issues to be dealt with. There can be so many repercussions of divorce and there are many consequences that you may not be aware of or may have underestimated, so this is why you need to tackle three essential criteria.

We have broken these up into the ABC of handling the big D and they are Astute Advice from an Attorney, Benefitting financially from the break-up and Consulting with someone who can help you to work through emotional issues.

Astute legal Advice

Divorce can be less daunting than it appears. An uncontested divorce can easily be obtained when there is give and take and if the couple can be objective and allow the attorney to assist. An easily settled divorce is less emotional, quicker and more cost-effective. For that reason, this is usually recommended.

There are two grounds for divorce in terms of South African law, the most common of which is an ‘irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.’ This can happen for many reasons – no longer any love or respect left for each other, if either party has committed adultery and this cannot be resolved, or physical, verbal, alcohol, or drug abuse which can lead to one party no longer being able to continue with the relationship. If only one spouse can show that a marriage has irretrievably broken down, the court will always grant the divorce order.

As in this case, only one spouse needs to agree to a divorce, this is the process that is usually recommended and can be a reasonably painless one. The other less common ground for a divorce is mental illness or continuous unconsciousness of a spouse and that also has to be proven.

Where there are typically problematic areas including ongoing contact and access arrangements in respect of minor children, or the settling of matrimonial property and maintenance payments, Attorneys well versed in handling divorce matters (not necessarily named as ‘Divorce Attorneys’ ) are very aware of these and can give great assistance to resolve them amicably and expediently. This is always in the best interest of the divorcing couple and the minors involved.

Lindi Smith Attorneys handle these matters with the utmost sensitivity, so before letting your divorce turn into an ugly, messy affair, talk to them to ensure a fair but legally correct outcome for all concerned.

Benefiting financially

It is seldom that one can actually benefit from a divorce scenario, but with the help of a good Financial Advisor you can at least ensure that you don’t come out of the divorce with nothing.

Your Attorney will have already made sure your marriage contract was adhered to and this is when you may be very glad to have had an ANC contract with accrual drawn up before the marriage took place, but nevertheless, assuming there are assets to divide, this is where finances, tax, CGT, insurance and investments in the context of dividing your assets come into play. These are a couple of things, in particular, you need to look into…

Pension benefits and investments

This can be a tricky aspect of dividing finances but you may be entitled to a part of your spouse’s pension benefits. Remember that the non-member’s share is not necessarily simply 50% of the retirement fund value. As one expert puts it “if your spouse is invested in a retirement annuity, the pension interest is the total of all their contributions to the fund up to the date of divorce, plus simple interest at the prescribed rate.” If you are awarded a good percentage of a retirement fund, then it is also imperative that you get good advice on the investments that you make with the money!

Policies and property

Don’t be tempted to necessarily remove your spouse from your life and retirement policies to make your children the new beneficiaries. They cannot receive such monies until a certain age if you die prematurely so a trust may be a better alternative.

Also, don’t immediately assume that holding onto the family home is the best idea when it comes to the split. This is a fixed asset and if you are to run into trouble regarding liquidity it may be better to have opted for allowing your spouse to buy out your share of the home putting you into a much more flexible situation.

This is just the tip of the iceberg, so talk to Melissa Weber of Sovereign Wealth Solutions for all matters relating to finances in a divorce situation.

Consultation with a trauma practitioner

This is only last because it is the ‘C’’ in ABC, but it is probably the most important aspect of dealing well with a divorce, as the trauma of divorce can be devastating and leave one feeling disappointed, angry and emotionally drained.

Sadly, the anger and disappointment are often pointed inwards too and not at your spouse, one of the commonest difficulties of a long term breakup is coming to terms with whether it was in fact you who was to blame.

The reality is that as much as it takes 2 to tango it also takes 2 to tangle, so letting go of these feelings is essential. This is just one of the things accomplished by a good trauma practitioner and others include…

‘’My heart is shattered’’ – You work through the sadness, pain, guilt, betrayal and all the other emotions suffered by a broken heart. This is not an easy time and you owe it to yourself to grieve and look inside yourself for answers. Sometimes forgiving yourself is the most healing thing of all, even for just allowing yourself to be used or abused.
Navigating your freedom – When marrying, counsellors encourage one to let go of the freedoms you once enjoyed to take on a new life of sharing – now you work on finding ways to embrace your newfound freedom and make the most of being able to pursue what may have been denied to you within the marriage.
Dealing with being single again – Similarly, you look at what it means to you to be single again. It is not a curse and one need only look at how many blissfully happy single people there are to see that it may be something you can look forward to and enjoy again.
Being a single parent – We talk about the implications of this and how to avoid letting let it become a negative to your children. We discuss existing and possible new support systems and how to deal with the emotional issues that your children may be subjected to at this time.

‘’So what now?’’ – This, above all, is what Marléne Nunes can assist you to turn from a cry for help to a solid plan to give you a new life of meaning and purpose.

Seek professional help

It may not be as simple as ABC, but the big D also can be entirely manageable with good advice and guidance. These professional service providers, with their hearts very much in the right place, can take you up and beyond the despair and trauma into a new beginning filled with excitement and hope for a better future.

Stay safe – and be kind to yourself!

Coping with trauma over the festive season

by Self and More | Dec 13, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

As we go into this time of year, with most of us looking forward to our holidays, Christmas and big New year’s celebrations, we are reminded that this is, as it has been affectionately dubbed, ‘the festive season.’

We should never forget though, or be insensitive to the fact that this is, for many, a time that is anything but festive and can be difficult or even quite traumatic. As a Trauma Rehabilitation Facilitator, I have helped numerous clients to come to terms with the emotional upheaval they may feel in this season. This could emanate from sadness around being alone or just no longer spending this time with as much family as you used to.

Many will have suffered larger trauma’s around the holiday season too like divorce, departing from your home country or the death of loved ones. There is something about this time of year, when all around you are celebrating, that seems to bring these feelings flooding back and you can feel more alone than ever.

One other issue that traumatises people in this ‘season to be jolly’ is the discomfort of family issues, whether visiting them away from home or having them invade yours! All these traumas are normally simply a part of daily life but this time of year just seems to magnify them many times over.

Here then are a few ways that I believe may help you to cope with trauma over the festive season…

Your actions

Don’t change anything more than you have to when going through this period, especially the things that you like to do and that keep you grounded. Those who care about you should understand that you need your usual time out for exercise, maintaining your normal sleep patterns as much as possible, and all the things that give you peace of mind. Continue to do things that take your mind off other things, like reading, and the sporting activities you like.

Your focus

Whatever you do, don’t turn to drugs, clinical or otherwise, or alcohol to drown your sorrows. If this means being more moderate and avoiding too many parties then do this. It is very important to say ‘no’’ when others are trying to draw you out of your comfort zone. People will understand – and talking of that, gravitate towards the people that care about you and who do understand. Never underestimate the value of a support system.

Don’t have too many expectations of having a really happy time, but also don’t allow yourself to dwell on your grief. There is a middle ground and it is all about focussing on caring for others who care about you – and being kind to yourself…

Ask for help – and help others

if your cause of sadness is being alone at this time of year, then volunteer to help others. Be part of a group that is taking Christmas cheer to others and you’ll be amazed at how good this makes you feel.

Most importantly, whatever your trauma, talk to me and let me help. Even if you have left it too late for this year don’t carry these feelings into another year, because come this time next year they will start all over again.

Through my business ‘Self and More’ and specifically through TRE and other forms of trauma release techniques, I can help you to cope with trauma over the festive season – and beyond!

Be safe – and be kind to yourself. To all my valued clients, thanks for your support throughout the year and have a blessed Christmas and a life-fulfilling new year.

Turn your moving trauma into a positive emotional shift

by Self and More | Oct 29, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

There is no doubt that moving house is a pretty traumatic experience, especially when the move is to an entirely new area after you have been in one place for many years. It ranks right up there with the things in life that are said to be most stressful, like divorce or losing a loved one.

I recently went through just such an experience and as exciting as it was to head for new pastures (the beautiful west coast resort of Langebaan to be exact), a great shift in that place that you call home will never be without its issues. As a body, mind and soul facilitator though I decided that a lot of the difficult aspects of moving are not unlike some of the great life challenges that most of us face and perhaps in the course of this exercise I could turn my moving trauma into a positive emotional shift!

Packing and baggage

The first nightmare we encounter when moving is packing. The biggest question here is what to take and what to leave behind. Like millions of others my better half and I have accumulated an extraordinary amount of ‘stuff,’ a lot of which has long outlived its purpose and sat unused on a shelf somewhere.

I realised then that we tend to do exactly the same thing in life. We accumulate emotional baggage, most of which no longer serves any purpose but to remind us of past issues that are really best forgotten, but still, we hang on to it. Why? Now when starting a new life is a perfect time to let it go.

We even hold onto other people’s baggage too. You’ve had an argument in the past that have never been resolved, well isn’t now a great time to let it go? – to forgive and forget and decide when you make that physical shift you are just not going to carry that stuff with you!

My Mom believed that if you have hoarded something for a while you should take it out of the cupboard where it’s in your face every day. If you still don’t use it, then get rid of it. Give it to someone who needs it – heavens knows there are a lot of needy people who do.

Shifting the workplace

For many people who now work from home as I certainly do, this is an excellent time to give your work environment a facelift too and get rid of the things about your work, or the people you worked with that were simply weighing you down.

Don’t just move the same office into a different space, make some significant changes to the look and feel of where you work and the objects that surround you. From time to time we need to refresh our lifestyles and this is a great time and way to do it.

I’ve made up my mind to seek a whole new clientele in the area, befriend as many people as possible and most importantly, just let go of whatever wasn’t working for me, both in my home and my life!

Are you struggling to let go?

I know that many of you may read this and think, well that’s easy to say, but it’s a different story to let go of the trauma I have been through – it’s going to take more than just moving house.

Believe me, having been there, I hear you and that is exactly why I have made it my life’s work to assist people with deep-seated trauma. In my business Self and More I combine physical and emotional wellness techniques to enable you to live a more meaningful life with a clear purpose and fewer scars.

Healing takes time, but I believe that by working together we can get there. Talk to me – I’m there for you – no matter where I am!

Common ‘F’ words that can cause a marriage to fail!

by Self and More | Oct 4, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

There is one big ‘’F word that every Bride and Groom will never want to hear and it is Failure! Failure of their marriage – Failure, as a couple standing at the altar, to make the thing that they so treasure work “until,’’ as the Preacher says ‘’death do you part.’

Ironically there are a few other F words that, had they taken the time to sit and discuss or actively deal with before reaching the altar, might have been helped them to avoid that failure from ever happening. These are common conflict areas – the things that cause the arguments that ultimately bring about the failed marriage, and they are best attended to well before you even decide to tie the knot.

They are, however, also issues that may only come to the fore much later in marriage and after being married for several years you find yourself dealing with things that were never problem areas before. Well, this is for you too so read on…

Finances

I went into this in some detail in a previous article ‘Important things to do before you say I do’ and it talks about having the right marriage contract in place as well as astute financial advice. Suffice to say this is one of the most common areas of conflict and I urge you to read the article and address these things long before starting a financial partnership together, which is a part of what a marriage is.

Freedom

In the same article, I also mentioned that it is a good idea to go and do some of your bucket list things that you wanted to do as a single person before you become part of a couple. This will be useful but make sure that you both get the same opportunity and freedom to do so.

A very important point I want to make though is that, once married, freedom is still an issue and can be one of great conflict if you have never established what your ideas of freedom in marriage are. One person’s freedom can be another’s prison. A few nights out with the boys (or girls) every month could seem excessive to someone who prefers to spend quality time with their spouse and whose idea of freedom is to slip off to have a quiet bath now and again.

Family

Unfortunately, family and family ties can also be a common conflict issue and are also best addressed in advance. Firstly, establishing whether you want to have children or not, or if either partner already has children, how are they to be dealt with within the relationship?

The same applies to ‘in-laws’ and this can come up well into an established marriage too. For some people family ties are essential and for others, they could not care less, or they may not even have a family. The important thing to establish is what you both want your family unit to look like and become. What boundaries will you agree to draw with invasive relatives etc?

Fear

Sadly a common cause of failed marriages is one partner’s fear of failure of the marriage. This could come from the repetition of past issues that were not explored and dealt with before the marriage – or they could be very real fears based on things happening in the marriage, like neglect, abuse (physical or verbal) etc.

The F words that can save you

If, as you read this you have any doubts or fears about these common conflict areas either becoming, or already being barriers within your relationship, the good news is that there are a couple of ‘F’ words that can also help you to ensure your marriage gets off on the right foot, or can still be saved after years of conflict.

These are firstly, Facing up to conflict – and having done so, Finding common ground to solve the issues. Through a process of unravelling possibly unexplored past issues and establishing if one or the other partner is causing conflict through their inability to find peace within themselves, I can assist with establishing all the right goal posts up-front – or getting teetering relationships back on track.

As a Life Coach in my business Self and More, through facilitating health and emotional wellness of body, mind and soul, I have assisted many people with finding a life of purpose and meaning encompassing every aspect of their life – including their marriage.

So, talk to me and let’s ensure you don’t let any of these common ‘F’ words cause your marriage to fail! Be safe and be kind to yourselves.

Important things to do before you say ‘’I do’’

by Self and More | Aug 30, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

Marriage can be a wonderful institution. Love, companionship, the rearing of children, spiritual togetherness and financial partnership – the list goes on and the benefits are great, but with one very specific condition…you need to go into it with your eyes wide open!

Whether it is the first marriage or a second or third, every time the circumstances will have changed and especially if you have not managed to make the first one work, perhaps you need to consider if, before you went into marriage, you really examined all the pros and cons and carried out the important things to do before you say ‘’I do?’’

Eliminate fears

Please don’t think this article is in any way designed to discourage you from getting married – on the contrary, it is specifically designed, together with the collaboration of a couple of my trusted colleagues to assist you and just make sure that not all your efforts are placed simply on putting the big day together, but also on carrying out what may be the less enviable tasks that will ensure your marriage is a long-lasting and happy one.

One of the biggest fears, and the one that often leaves the Bride or Groom standing alone at the altar as their spouse makes a break for it out the side door of the Church, is that you are going to lose out on all the great things a single life can offer you.

Well, truth be told, there are advantages to being single and forming a partnership for life is not easy. MARRIAGE IS DIFFICULT – this cannot be put any other way or emphasised enough, so without a doubt, well before you enter into it, you both need to face the reality that most marriages end in divorce and you need to ask the 64 million dollar question – ‘’why is this so?’’

If you break it down, there are probably dozens of reasons for this, but it is my belief that going into marriage is just simply too easy, so too many people do not face these considerations or answer that important question. Possibly this article will prompt you to do so – I hope so. So, what are what I and my colleagues believe to be the three most critical reasons that so many marriages end in demise?

Financial disparity

One of the biggest reasons for failed marriages is constant arguments as a result of not being financially aligned with one another. It is quite incredulous to me that some couples actually don’t even discuss their finances and how they will be handled once they are married. Do they simply assume that they will carry on as they are?

In marriage, this is just not possible, or advisable, even if you are both breadwinners and quite comfortable with handling your own finances. There are in fact many benefits to be derived from shared finances, but the couple must be clear on exactly how this is to be structured and who will be in charge of it.

An excellent Financial Advisor I know sent me a very basic list of the top 5 things every married couple to be should do or know prior to marrying and these are…

Things to do…

Sit down and talk about and be honest with each other about debt, spending, and short and long term financial goals
Meet with a Financial Planner together before and after getting married to ensure your finances are well-advised on and in the right hands

Things to know

Your individual credit record matters
There’s no such thing as a joint bank account in SA
Tax returns are completed separately

You can get more great advice on this from my trusted colleague Melissa at – https://melissaweberfinance.wordpress.com/

The wrong marriage contract

Leading on from this and closely aligned to avoiding financial disparity is avoiding marrying with the wrong marriage contract in place. By law in South Africa if you do not specifically have an Ante-Nuptial Contract – or ANC, you are automatically registered in community of property.

This is less than desirable and has been the cause of many a divorce as both partners surrender all their worldly goods and wealth (assets and liabilities) into one pot, as it were, and it leaves both partners exposed in the event of financial bankruptcy by either partner.

It is essential therefore to have an ANC drawn up by a registered notary prior to marrying and you have 2 options of ANC contract to choose from. An ANC without accrual means there is absolute separation of estates and spouses are therefore liable for their own debts. Financial protection is afforded against each other’s creditors and assets are owned by each spouse separately. At the dissolution of the marriage, the spouses have no claim whatsoever against the other party regarding the assets in their respective estates.

The most popular form of ANC is that of the ANC with accrual, which means that when the marriage is dissolved, either by death, divorce or annulment, the spouse who has had the lesser growth in his/her estate, measured during the commencement of the marriage, will have a claim for half of the difference in the growth of the two estates against the spouse who has had the larger growth or accrual in his/her estate.

For details on all the final points, great advice and to have your marriage contract of choice drawn up, I recommend my other trusted colleague Lindi Smith of Lindi Smith Attorneys at –www.lsmithlaw.co.za

Non-aligned personalities and unresolved issues

As one rather good article I read on this subject put it – ‘Alignment in a relationship means that you are living and loving in the same direction as someone else. If you do not take the time and effort to align your vision, core values, and passions with your partner, it will slowly start to take a toll on your relationship. Relationships should never feel difficult.’

There are two things that I strongly recommend, therefore, prior to marrying, a) take some time out for yourself to get any of the ‘’I wish I had done this when I was single” list out of the way – For some great advice on this refer to this article – https://www.realsimple.com/work-life/family/relationships/things-to-do-before-marriage – and b) most importantly, attend a Relationship Workshop together with a Life Alignment Practioner or Life Coach to examine and talk about the important emotional and personal aspects of making life with your partner workable.

What will your relationship workshop entail?

As just such a coach this is where I come in and I would be honoured to ensure that you will examine the most important issues and potential pitfalls of marriage before you utter those vows of commitment to each other for a lifetime. Some of the things we would discuss and attempt to reveal are issues like:

Healing old wounds –Ensuring you are aware of and have totally healed old wounds from previous relationships or marriages. Marrying on the rebound is only too common and often leads to disaster.
Aligning your expectations – Being aware of the silent expectations that you may have of each other – have you really voiced these or do you just take them for granted? Have you discussed both short and long term goals for your lives, like children, finances, where you want to end up living and what you want to be doing in the future?
Children and family –Talking of children, how many marriages have failed because of one spouse or the other not being comfortable with having children, or in the case of second marriages, living with their spouse’s existing children? Never forget that blood is thicker than water, so don’t simply ignore the potential danger of unhappiness caused through the interference of anyone related to your spouse to be.
Even the name!– As insignificant as it may seem, even the change of a name can have implications. As a practitioner of all aspects of body, mind and soul, I know through my Soul plan program that even a name change can be significant and cause friction down the line.

…and so much more…

My business is Self and More and I am here to help. As stated right at the beginning, this has not been designed to scare you off, but to make you more determined than ever to take the actions you need to take, prior to marriage, to ensure it is a peaceful and happy one.

Whole books have been written on this subject so this just exposes the tip of the iceberg – for anything else you need to know simply talk to me – helping others is my goal and my passion, so I’m all ears! Keep safe-keep your eyes and mind wide open-and look forward to a wonderful marriage!

Has freeze replaced fight or flight as a response to fear?

by Self and More | Jul 30, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

Right now with the recent events in the world, many people are feeling like they are simply in a state of limbo. What do you do when you don’t feel you can fight an unseen or unknown enemy or threat, as we have seen over the past 18 months, and flight is not an option? The result ultimately is that many of us, locked in our protective bubbles, have simply become frozen in time and space.

Fear is the enemy

Added to these feelings of helplessness and being in limbo is the fear of the consequences of the recent unrest in our country. Now many of us suddenly don’t even feel safe in our bubbles and again begin to question these fight or flight options.

Should we remain and fight our fears, or (like no doubt many will choose, as soon as they can travel freely again) should we head for what we believe to be safer pastures? Whatever your choices may be (albeit unconscious) and especially if you feel like remaining frozen is the only option available when facing any kind of fear, you need to learn a new response consciously based on the awareness of what triggers your fears.

Simply ignoring how you are feeling emotionally and putting it on the back burner, will see you emotionally crippled before you know it – and then totally unable to make any important decisions that serve you or the greater humanity.

Where are you right now?

The first and most important thing to do is to ask yourself (and honestly answer) a couple of important questions. “How are you feeling right now?” – and “how are you experiencing life at this moment?”

If you are feeling fear and, frozen in your response to it, living your life in limbo, then ask yourself this…”If there were skills you could acquire to release yourself from these fears and successfully fight the emotional upheaval and sense of limbo you have been feeling – would you do so?” – Or “as the leader of a workforce – if you could snap your employees out of this state of apathy that has resulted in poor productivity and little creative input – would you try to?”

An effective solution is at hand

To assist people struggling with emotional dis-regulation causing disharmony that ultimately will lead to impacting their physical bodies and cognitive functions, I am facilitating a 6-week workshop that will enable the utilisation of effective techniques and processes to release the fears and pain and move forward again.

It will equip you with the skills to move through your emotional responses to triggers with more insight, thereby negating their power over your responses. This is the art of self-regulation.

For many of us, flight is not an option, so it’s time for us to be more resourceful and open to alternate possibilities in the midst of what may seem like chaos. As a Master Coach, through my Coaching platform Self and More, I facilitate the combination of body, mind and soul practices to enable people in all walks of life to enjoy positive, productive lives with meaning and purpose, regardless of whatever trauma or circumstances they may have or be facing.

Sign up for the course – or just talk to me, and let me assist you to deal with whatever might be causing you to freeze when facing your fears.

Stay safe – and stay invested in your wellbeing!

« Older Entries

Next Entries »