Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

by | May 12, 2022 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

At the outset let me say there are no ‘quick fixes’ for the kind of trauma and despair that can be a result of a partner’s infidelity. This article is about trying to have a basic understanding of why people may cheat on their partners and then a few types of treatments that you may find helpful in your journey to reconciliation and peace either as a couple again – or at least within yourself. So how to heal hearts wounded by infidelity? – let’s take a look at a few possible solutions…

Understanding why your partner (or both of you) cheat

It is very important that before immediately reacting to an act of infidelity we accept that we may have had some hand in its cause and at least try to understand why it happened. I have read several great articles on this and one that particularly caught my eye was one that gave 5 simple reasons that may explain the motivations of cheaters. It was from ‘Modern Intimacy’ which can be found on the web and this is just a summary…

  1. Anger and revenge – When one of the partners feels slighted by the other and out of anger decides to take revenge. This is, sadly, more common than most couples realise and the ‘cycle of revenge’’ needs to be broken.
  2. Insecurity – low self-esteem is a common reason for cheating, when one partner feels invisible or unloved – or simply down on themselves.
  3. Sexual inattention – Also a common problem, especially following pregnancy or childbearing when one partner feels unloved and craves reassurance through sexual intimacy. 
  4. Sexy secrets – As old as the beginning of time, sometimes forbidden fruit is just too much of a temptation – especially if it invokes a Man’s feelings of manhood or a woman’s need for rekindled romance and real intimacy.
  5. Boredom – I quote the article when I say ‘’Often fuelled by shame, anger or fear, boredom that transitions into cheating is typically coupled with inadequate communication in a relationship.’’ I have left this to last because it leads us to one of the best ways to deal with infidelity and that is through…

Communication as a couple

With the assistance of a qualified therapist, communication as a couple on the important issues of why the incident (or re-occurring incidents) happened, what the nature of the incident was, and with whom it occurred (It can also be cheating with pornography or via prostitution etc.) can all assist in beginning a process of healing and reconciliation.

Trauma therapy

With my own experience as a trauma counsellor and TRE facilitator, I have learned that infidelity most certainly can lead to enormous trauma. One of the worst traumas we can experience is that of betrayal. It is belittling and demeaning, making one feel insecure and inadequate and when these kinds of feelings are a result of any type of event or incident, then this is without a doubt a traumatic experience. If you have already reached a point of no return but just need to heal, this is important therapy.

Life alignment and the ‘Heart’ card

For those who have been reading my articles on ‘Life alignment’ – you will understand that certain vortex cards are used and the heart card can be used both for personal well being when worn on the body as a chakra or energy centre, and in your external environment as a home alignment card physically placed in a strategic part of a room.

When use as either or both of these, the physical heart is opened to love and feelings of forgiveness, trust and optimism. and the balance of masculine and feminine energies are restored to the home. If it sounds far fetched it is based on sound scientific principles espoused by Dr Albert Einstein, so as the old saying goes ‘’don’t knock it until you try it!’’

I am Marléne Nunes and my life’s work, as a victim once myself, is to help those who suffer traumas of any kind. Talk to me about life alignment and any of the other therapies suggested here to assist you and your loved one with how to heal hearts wounded by infidelity.

As always – peace and light!

 

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

Your ‘primal wounding’ could be a matter of trust

by | Apr 7, 2022 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

In my last article, I spoke extensively on co-dependency which is invariably generated from one partner in a relationship having an addiction problem. Addiction always has a cause and it is commonly from earlier bad experiences or trauma that lead to what we call primal wounding. It can also be generated as a defence mechanism against feelings of little self-worth – or as some observers put it – ‘Non-being.’ Feeling lonely, frustrated, isolated, impotent, fearful and shameful, as well as losing trust in someone or a feeling of not being trusted can all lead to depleted self-worth.

Probably the most significant of these causes is trust, as losing trust in loved ones, friends and one’s own abilities can have devastating effects on our emotional approach to life and others in the years to follow. Lack of trust is debilitating and often robs us of belief in ourselves and our fellow man to the point of making life feel pointless and having little or no purpose. Simply put – your primal wounding could be a matter of trust!

Life alignment can assist 

I have also written extensively on ‘life alignment’ in its many forms, a way that we can rebuild every aspect of our lives through believing in ourselves and others once again. In my article ’Life alignment – what it is and is it for me?’ I explain the purpose of life alignment which, in essence, is that within our inner being is a higher intelligence that, when accessed, can lead us back through the maze of past experiences and cellular imprints to a clearer understanding of our true gifts and talents and how we can better serve the world. With an understanding of this, we can achieve a life of purpose and meaning and truly achieve all those feelings of love, joy and the ability to forgive.

Vortex cards 

Part of the practice of life alignment is the use of vortex cards. Simply put vortex cards, when displayed, are used for personal well-being and general healing of internal and external energy movements. Dr Albert Einstein, a man who saw well into the future of what seemed incomprehensive to mankind in his time said, “Future medicine will be the medicine of frequencies.” 

As one observer puts it, ‘’Albert Einstein stated that everything we see, feel and touch is solely made out of energy particles. There is only energy and Einstein calls the sum of these particles the field, which we create and influence with everything we think, say, feel and do. Vortex technology functions according to this principle and works energetically on the human body. In other words, as we help shift energy on a causal level it filters down to the physical level.’’

 The trust card

One of the most significant vortex cards (and one that can relieve us from many primal wounds including addiction) is the trust card which helps to strengthen the experience of trust in oneself, in life and in the universe. From an internal perspective, working with this card and a qualified life alignment practitioner on issues of vulnerability, you can gain a sense of personal well-being, inner security, self-confidence, and most importantly, trust in yourself and others.

When utilised externally, like being placed on the main door, the card works on the energy field of the related space (as described by Einstein) and this supports the creation of a sense of feeling protected in that area. In essence, your home becomes your refuge through the positive shift of this energy. Now you feel a greater sense of safety and renewed trust in your surroundings and those around you.

Trust in me

Within the scope of my business Self and More, I am a qualified practitioner of ‘life alignment’ and the use of vortex cards, amongst other disciplines that serve the body, mind and soul. If you feel that you have been wounded in any way through past issues or trauma please don’t hesitate to talk to me and let’s find out if I can assist you to heal these wounds and begin to live a richer life filled with meaning and purpose.

Enjoy your holidays and do travel safely. As always, go with light and love.

 

Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency!

Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency!

by | Mar 22, 2022 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

Co-dependency is a very real issue often affecting many couples who may not even be aware of it. It is an addiction in itself, ironically often resulting from one person in the relationship (who we shall refer to as the ‘caregiver’) taking responsibility and caring for the other who is addicted to some sort of abusive substance.

It is far more common than many couples realise and this article aims to hopefully make those who may be in this type of relationship, or heading down this path, aware so that treatment can be sought. It is far too easy to settle into this type of relationship, but it is a toxic one and not psychologically healthy for either party.

It takes 2 to tangle!

Co-dependency comes about through both parties in the relationship having unhealthy issues and the co-dependency seems to be the easiest quick-fix giving both parties the satisfaction of continuing along their detrimental path because the addict is being supported by the caregiver, but the caregivers themselves have issues that lead to this.

The only way that an addiction can be effectively dealt with is for the addict to realise that they need and subsequently seek help to stop their substance abuse. This should be encouraged by their partner but if the caregiver has poor self-esteem or a poor self-image they prefer to be supportive of the addict as it helps them to feel that they are needed!

The old adage of the blind leading the blind is very true of this situation as both parties are blinded to the fact that they need help because the addict is being re-assured by the caregiver and the caregiver feels that they are serving some sort of noble purpose. 

The many issues that arise from co-dependency include a lack of boundaries, constantly increased dependency and poor communication. In the end, nobody wins in such a relationship and it will eventually break down.

What can you do about it?

I am Marléne Nunes and through my business Self and More, have various ways that I can assist couples who have realised that they have co-dependency and other issues. I am not only a qualified Life Coach utilising highly effective techniques like Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) and Tension and Trauma Release Exercise (TRE), but as my more recent articles have illustrated, I am also a qualified practitioner in Life Alignment and more specifically Relationship Alignment.

It is through these techniques that I can assist you to identify and gain a broader insight into habitual responses, and as a result, break free from repetitive patterns to step forward into a more integrated, meaningful and purposeful life path.

When you are enlightened to the many ways you can use the great gifts and talents you have to better serve the world and yourself, you can break free from destructive dependencies. Don’t let addictive patterns turn to co-dependency – talk to me – I can help.

 

Will your romance become a relationship for life?

Will your romance become a relationship for life?

by | Feb 8, 2022 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

February, the month of romance, is a wonderful time of year when our thoughts turn to love and romantic liaisons. For some, it is a chance to commemorate and demonstrate our love for one another, but for many, especially the young, it can be an opportunity to turn a romance into something more – a long term relationship.

Relationships can be complicated

Unfortunately, relationships are never quite as easy as those heady days of gazing into each other’s eyes and exploring each other’s charms for the first time. We often only find out once we have gotten past the early stages of romance that we are, in many ways, the product of our past and the influence of others on our lives.

As one observer put it ‘’Often unfinished lessons with Parents are reflected in relationships so that we can break destructive patterns – “you marry your Father”. So we end up in the same type of relationships over and over until we shift that pattern.”

Sometimes we are attracted by what we have in common, then it transpires that it is like rubbing metal on metal and we would have been better off attracting someone of opposite talents and aspirations. Relationships can bring out the best and the worst in us, always expecting the other to be perfect but not seeing our own imperfections.

So, with all its complications, how do we try to ensure that your romance will become a relationship for life? You can achieve this through some simple rules and by aligning your relationships holistically with your entire life’s purpose.

Life alignment 

I practice a highly effective form of aligning the individual with the best possible life that they can aspire to attain. In my article ’Life alignment – what it is and is it for me?’ I explain the purpose of life alignment. 

It is a good idea to read this, but in essence, I say “within our inner being is a higher intelligence that, when accessed, can lead us back through the maze of past experiences and cellular imprints to a clearer understanding of our true gifts and talents and how we can better serve the world. With an understanding of this, we can achieve a life of purpose and meaning and truly achieve all those feelings of love, joy and the ability to forgive.’’

Relationship alignment 

As you can see, aligning relationships, therefore, would be an integral part of this and within the scope of my life alignment programs, I have helped many people to rekindle and repurpose their relationships to become more meaningful and long-lasting.

Like most aspects of human endeavour there is no ‘one size fits all’ answer for rebuilding relationships, we are all too different, but in the resolving of relationship conflicts, these are a few safety measures that I highly recommend. 

  • Confidentiality is sacrosanct – never share what was discussed or use it against each other later – even in anger.
  • Absolute respect for each other’s opinion and privacy is vital. 
  • No ridiculing or joking should be allowed 
  • There should be no raising of voices 

Let me help

If you are embarking on a new relationship or having relationship issues, don’t hesitate to talk to me. My business, Self and More facilitates not only the Life alignment program but all aspects of physical, mental and emotional health – i.e. body, mind and soul. Let me help you and your loved one to ensure that your romance becomes a relationship for life!

How to reset your responses for a better 2022!

How to reset your responses for a better 2022!

by | Jan 27, 2022 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

To be honest I am always somewhat amused at the fuss around the change of the calendar year as if one were expecting some magical new beginning to take place on a certain date.

Even the seasons largely ignore the exact time they are to begin and end, and as we all know change is something that is taking place all the time and not just at the end of the year.

By all means, let’s have a positive mindset to begin each new year with new goals and hope for new beginnings but the reality is the life we lead, its purpose and its meaning and the relationships we either suffer or enjoy are very much to do with affecting change ourselves and our responses to the cards that are dealt us. That’s something we can do anytime!

Change begins within

There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution’ for how we can better our lives, but if we dare to make changes within ourselves, like changing the way we respond or react to situations and our attitude to those with whom we interact, we can make a small difference in the world and a significant difference in our own lives.

Responding to people and situations with a sense of calm and passive resilience will always be better than simply reacting with anger or frustration, so here are a couple of ideas on how to reset your responses for a better 2022… 

Reset your responses through life alignment 

You may have read my recent article on Life Alignment – what is it and is it for me? | Self and More – Coaching | Soul Plan | Pilates | TRE | QEC. It is about the great value of life realignment and the many aspects of our life that be changed to facilitate more positive responses. There are many aspects to it however and here are just three of these…

Relationship alignment – The first and most important thing to do to affect change is to examine and possibly realign your relationships. We all know that relationships are difficult but they often reflect who we are as we have chosen our partner in the first place. We often choose people that we hope will bring out the best but who actually bring out the worst in us. 

As one expert put it ‘’Often unfinished lessons with Parents are reflected in relationships so that we can break destructive patterns – it is often said ‘’you marry your Father.’’ So we end up in the same type of relationships over and over until we shift that pattern. None of us is perfect, but amazing how we expect the other to be – to fulfil all our needs. Sometimes just acknowledging that they can’t be everything to us is enough to make a huge shift in the connection, letting them off the hook and setting yourself free to fulfil that need in another manner!’’

Home Alignment – Identifying what is blocking the natural flow of energy in a space (Your space) and seeing how that is reflected in the occupants of the home is known as home alignment. We can facilitate the clearing of these blockages to create a healthy, vital flow of energy and a deeper understanding of yourself self and others. We then suggest ways to make your home more harmonious and peaceful and align it with the type of environment you desire. 

Natal chart alignment – Natal Chart Alignment is similar to Home Alignment. According to life alignment coach Elizabeth Leaneagh from the USA, “Here we look at our chart as our own home and where the soul has chosen to connect and live during this lifetime. Each degree in the circle chart represents a look into our journey. We have the opportunity to explore our shadows, our strengths, and how we mature through time.’’ A Natal chart therefore can be a valuable tool to reset our responses in the now.’’

Let me assist you to facilitate positive change through life alignment 

As you can see there are many aspects to life alignment but in essence, they all lead to finding a better way to live with and respond to others. If this change of year is to have any significance then it is through affecting change yourself by resetting your responses and realigning various aspects of your life.

Through my business Self and More and the programs I facilitate to enhance body, mind and soul, I can assist you to do this and I would be very happy to help. Simply talk to me and let us get you started on a positive path to a more peaceful and purposeful life! Enjoy 2022!

 

Divorce – the ABC of handling the big D!

Divorce – the ABC of handling the big D!

by | Dec 15, 2021 | Coaching, General, Pilates, TRE

A divorce can be an extremely difficult process for any couple or family. Regardless of whether children are involved or not there are legal, financial and emotional issues to be dealt with. There can be so many repercussions of divorce and there are many consequences that you may not be aware of or may have underestimated, so this is why you need to tackle three essential criteria. 

We have broken these up into the ABC of handling the big D and they are Astute Advice from an Attorney, Benefitting financially from the break-up and Consulting with someone who can help you to work through emotional issues.

Astute legal Advice 

Divorce can be less daunting than it appears. An uncontested divorce can easily be obtained when there is give and take and if the couple can be objective and allow the attorney to assist. An easily settled divorce is less emotional, quicker and more cost-effective. For that reason, this is usually recommended.

There are two grounds for divorce in terms of South African law, the most common of which is an ‘irretrievable breakdown of the marriage.’ This can happen for many reasons – no longer any love or respect left for each other, if either party has committed adultery and this cannot be resolved, or physical, verbal, alcohol, or drug abuse which can lead to one party no longer being able to continue with the relationship. If only one spouse can show that a marriage has irretrievably broken down, the court will always grant the divorce order. 

As in this case, only one spouse needs to agree to a divorce, this is the process that is usually recommended and can be a reasonably painless one. The other less common ground for a divorce is mental illness or continuous unconsciousness of a spouse and that also has to be proven.

Where there are typically problematic areas including ongoing contact and access arrangements in respect of minor children, or the settling of matrimonial property and maintenance payments, Attorneys well versed in handling divorce matters (not necessarily named as ‘Divorce Attorneys’ ) are very aware of these and can give great assistance to resolve them amicably and expediently. This is always in the best interest of the divorcing couple and the minors involved.

Lindi Smith Attorneys handle these matters with the utmost sensitivity, so before letting your divorce turn into an ugly, messy affair, talk to them to ensure a fair but legally correct outcome for all concerned.

Benefiting financially

It is seldom that one can actually benefit from a divorce scenario, but with the help of a good Financial Advisor you can at least ensure that you don’t come out of the divorce with nothing.

Your Attorney will have already made sure your marriage contract was adhered to and this is when you may be very glad to have had an ANC contract with accrual drawn up before the marriage took place, but nevertheless, assuming there are assets to divide, this is where finances, tax, CGT, insurance and investments in the context of dividing your assets come into play. These are a couple of things, in particular, you need to look into…

Pension benefits and investments

This can be a tricky aspect of dividing finances but you may be entitled to a part of your spouse’s pension benefits. Remember that the non-member’s share is not necessarily simply 50% of the retirement fund value. As one expert puts it “if your spouse is invested in a retirement annuity, the pension interest is the total of all their contributions to the fund up to the date of divorce, plus simple interest at the prescribed rate.” If you are awarded a good percentage of a retirement fund, then it is also imperative that you get good advice on the investments that you make with the money! 

Policies and property 

Don’t be tempted to necessarily remove your spouse from your life and retirement policies to make your children the new beneficiaries. They cannot receive such monies until a certain age if you die prematurely so a trust may be a better alternative.

Also, don’t immediately assume that holding onto the family home is the best idea when it comes to the split. This is a fixed asset and if you are to run into trouble regarding liquidity it may be better to have opted for allowing your spouse to buy out your share of the home putting you into a much more flexible situation. 

This is just the tip of the iceberg, so talk to Melissa Weber of Sovereign Wealth Solutions for all matters relating to finances in a divorce situation.

Consultation with a trauma practitioner

This is only last because it is the ‘C’’ in ABC, but it is probably the most important aspect of dealing well with a divorce, as the trauma of divorce can be devastating and leave one feeling disappointed, angry and emotionally drained.

Sadly, the anger and disappointment are often pointed inwards too and not at your spouse, one of the commonest difficulties of a long term breakup is coming to terms with whether it was in fact you who was to blame.

The reality is that as much as it takes 2 to tango it also takes 2 to tangle, so letting go of these feelings is essential. This is just one of the things accomplished by a good trauma practitioner and others include…

 

  • ‘’My heart is shattered’’ – You work through the sadness, pain, guilt, betrayal and all the other emotions suffered by a broken heart. This is not an easy time and you owe it to yourself to grieve and look inside yourself for answers. Sometimes forgiving yourself is the most healing thing of all, even for just allowing yourself to be used or abused.
  • Navigating your freedom – When marrying, counsellors encourage one to let go of the freedoms you once enjoyed to take on a new life of sharing – now you work on finding ways to embrace your newfound freedom and make the most of being able to pursue what may have been denied to you within the marriage.
  • Dealing with being single again – Similarly, you look at what it means to you to be single again. It is not a curse and one need only look at how many blissfully happy single people there are to see that it may be something you can look forward to and enjoy again.
  • Being a single parent – We talk about the implications of this and how to avoid letting let it become a negative to your children. We discuss existing and possible new support systems and how to deal with the emotional issues that your children may be subjected to at this time. 

‘’So what now?’’ – This, above all, is what Marléne Nunes can assist you to turn from a cry for help to a solid plan to give you a new life of meaning and purpose. 

Seek professional help

It may not be as simple as ABC, but the big D also can be entirely manageable with good advice and guidance. These professional service providers, with their hearts very much in the right place, can take you up and beyond the despair and trauma into a new beginning filled with excitement and hope for a better future.

Stay safe – and be kind to yourself!

 

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