I have recently published (and hope you have read) a mini-series on the vital role of parenting in creating a supportive childhood. If you missed it, you could catch it here. Essentially it is about how important the role of parents is in shaping the hearts and minds of children, but the question posed by this article is – ‘’now, as a fully grown adult, are you wounded due to childhood parenting issues?’’

Notice that the question is in the present tense because invariably, these childhood wounds linger until they are dealt with, as I illustrated in my E-book, ‘the lingering wounds of the inner child.’ So what exactly are the parents’ actions that primarily result in this wounding still being felt well into adulthood?

Emotional invalidation

Primarily it is about the emotional invalidation of the child in one way or another. There are various ways this occurs, and it is a good idea to look at some of these to identify how you may have been invalidated as a child. Contrary to the popular (but now somewhat antiquated) belief that ‘’children should be seen and not heard,’’ children certainly need to be seen, but just as importantly heard and, most importantly – understood! 

Feeling that you are seen, heard, and understood and that it is perfectly ok to be so will lead you into confident adulthood. Where many parents, unfortunately, go wrong is that either through a lack of understanding of the full extent of these needs in a child will express love but fall short of providing full emotional validation – or (in extreme cases) they will be unaware of (or not care about) this critical need and this is where a child can be so severely wounded that these emotions will carry on into adolescence and linger through to full adulthood.

Examples of Emotional invalidation.

There are several examples of emotional invalidation, so examine if you were, as a child, subjected to any of the following… 

• Your parents behaved like they were listening but didn’t hear you, making you feel that you were never really heard – or just as damaging as parents who act like your buddies leaving you undisciplined and your life unstructured. An extreme case is your parents making you feel like you’re the parent and not them, leading to premature responsibility issues.

• Possibly, your feelings were ignored by parents who didn’t believe children should have real feelings and opinions. Worse, your critical emotional validation needs of being seen,  heard, and understood were ignored.
• Did you possibly have a learning or some other difficulty that was ignored, making you feel inadequate, and your strengths never acknowledged? Or were your expressions of emotions thrown back at you, producing fits of frustration and anger? These negative emotions invariably carry into adulthood!

In essence, if you were not heard, made to feel that you shouldn’t have needs, or not allowed to express yourself emotionally, these would have led you to believe you have little self-worth, shouldn’t ask for or accept help, and it is better to hide your feelings than to trust in them – or yourself!

I can help 

As someone who was subjected to this emotional invalidation as a child, I am deeply invested in this subject of the lingering wounding of the inner child and can help those who have also been its victims.

I am an experienced trauma release facilitator, QEC Provider, and Life Alignment Practioner, all of which have brought me to the point of focusing on the inner child and shifting through the wounds myself and with clients.  If you desire to find your purpose, these healing the inner child sessions are for you and will lead into Soul Plan as the first activity and then a 6-week inner child course with the e-book above as a gift.

There is no need to suffer through childhood trauma and inner wounding on your own at any age; life is meant to be one of possibility rather than living in fear. Visit my website at Self and More, and talk to me about releasing yourself from the inner wounding suffered as a child. It could be stunting your growth as an adult and preventing you from achieving a meaningful life filled with purpose.

As always – much love.

The vital role of parenting to create a supportive childhood – Part 2

As I mentioned in my last article I have recently written and published an E-book on ‘the lingering wounds of the inner child.’ It is freely available (as part of a hands-on program I offer to deal with this) to anyone who has issues with having been wounded in childhood in some way or another. 

My last article on the vital role of parenting to create a supportive childhood – part 1 started looking at just one aspect of how we can try to avoid the wounding of the inner child by looking at how we as parents can try to avoid this scarring in our children. It would be a better world if we were all more set on the prevention of such things in the way that we parent our own children.

In that article, I touched on the first 2 aspects of this which were a) the importance of just being present! This means physically and emotionally and being a supportive parent who listens to the child and is there for them particularly in times of stress. b) secondly, along with the security a child feels when you are always present, goes consistency and routine. This makes a child have an orderly life. Now in this, the second part of the series, let us continue…

Uniqueness and acceptance 

What allows a child to grow as a unique individual is to have that uniqueness recognised and for the child to be accepted for who they are. It is dangerous for you to push them toward being the person you would like them to be. They need reassurance and a relaxed safe environment to develop their unique abilities and talents. 

Acceptance and approval, like love, should never be conditional. Recognise their efforts and reward them with encouragement and advice. This becomes a strong motivator for a child to succeed, in their own organic way.

Discipline

Many times, has it been said ‘’If you spare the rod, you spoil the child’’ and to a certain extent it is true as discipline is a very necessary part of healthy childhood growth, but not when ‘the rod’ is incorrectly used and becomes an object of fear!  Children require healthy boundaries within which to grow and develop.

Fair, consistent discipline is required for children to understand what is acceptable in societal norms, what is expected of them, and what the limits are when it comes to reacting to the things they may not like.   Learning to respond rather than react.  (this is true for us as adults too)

Importantly though, discipline should always be consistent, fair, and never harshly administered as this can only lead to fear and that doesn’t result in children who learn self-control and self-discipline in a healthy way. 

All you need is love

More than anything else, parenting should always be based on pure unconditional love, the kind of love you only feel for your children, as this parental love is felt above all else by the child as he/she grows. A child born into a loving, supportive environment, regardless of wealth or status, will always flourish over a child who feels like a burden to its parents or one that is best ‘seen and not heard!’ 

This is where the wounding of the inner child begins, and it lingers if love is absent in the child’s life. A child who is not laughing is a child not living as it should – so ask yourself – how many times did your child laugh today? 

 I can help

Whether you are a parent feeling unsure and inadequate of how to give your child this very necessary loving support throughout its childhood and into adolescence, perhaps this is not something you have ever experienced either, or if you feel that you yourself were the subject of this wounding of the inner child and it’s time to heal from it, I can help.

Through my coaching practice @  Self and More, I assist people to work through trauma irrespective of its origin,  connect with me and let’s work together to encourage the release of the self-doubts and the pain you feel lingering from your own childhood and/or assist you with learning more about yourself in order to adapt and grow to confidently ensure that your child does not suffer the same or worse fate.

Watch this space for a sequel to this series where I look at recognising if you were invalidated as a child and what you can do if this vital role of parenting to create a supportive childhood was not present in your childhood. 

I have written quite extensively about relationships in partnerships and marriage and so I felt I simply can’t ignore one of the most significant factors that can engender a healthy, long-lasting relationship – and that is setting boundaries. 

Wikipedia defines personal boundaries as, “The practice of openly communicating and asserting personal values as a way to preserve and protect against having them compromised or violated.” One observer explains it a bit more simply as ‘’relationship boundaries control how partners are treated in the relationship and ensure that their mental health is protected.’’

Why do we need to have boundaries?

A few good reasons for setting up boundaries are: you prioritise yourselves and learn to say no to what doesn’t work for you without guilt feelings; they enable you to maintain a balance of respect for each other’s personal lives; you feel that your relationship is a safe space to open up and be yourself – and you each maintain higher self-esteem knowing that you are as important as each other.

Unfortunately for many couples the setting up and respecting of boundaries is difficult as they were simply not set or practised within their own home environment. It is hard to understand a partner who needs boundaries if you are not someone who feels that you do and so you may remain closed to the idea. Ironically, therefore, sometimes creating boundaries can be about opening up!

Being too nice 

One needs to be careful about thinking that respect and boundaries come from giving your partner their own way entirely though. There needs to be a balance. An example of this is that certain people tend to just be too nice, always considering the other to the point of losing their own identity. 

This is a dangerous path and often leads to addiction and unfaithfulness if the partner takes advantage of it. Remember that giving somebody ‘’their space’ does not mean being so nice that you begin to lose self-esteem and compromise your own boundaries. When love and kindness are shown, a breakdown comes if these are not gracefully received!

Give and take gracefully 

As with solving most issues in relationships the path of ‘give and take’ is usually the best one to follow, but a part of establishing boundaries correctly is giving for the right reasons and having the ability to receive gracefully.

As a facilitator of a few practices that deal with human relationships I have found even some of the most hardened hearts find it difficult to receive gracefully and gratefully if their partner gives from a place of love and without expecting anything in return, but it often still requires the ‘opening up’ of the couple to create a relationship that intertwines boundaries and intimacy. 

The Opener (Release) Card 

In Life Alignment (See the previous article) we work with ‘’the understanding that some family characteristics and beliefs are likely to be passed on from one generation to the next and beyond. The reasons may be due to genetics, similar ways of living, parenting styles, coping strategies, etc.’’

We use vortex cards to achieve much of this and the ‘Opener card’ when used on the body, helps to transform the potential negative belief systems that come from family and ancestral patterns. When used externally (hung or placed in a prominent position) it assists with the clearing process of old family patterns of the occupants.

Don’t hesitate to talk to me if you feel your relationship may be affected by a lack of boundaries or if they are being abused by simply not understanding that sometimes creating boundaries can be about opening up!